So how do we know if theyre grizzly bear droppings? asks one of the ramblers. Explanation: "No joke" has a double meaning here. As a result, while in uniform, Im often mistaken for a flight attendant, a ticket agent, or even a snack bar employee. Cant you just tell me?Submitted by Dana Thayer. Keep these funny holiday jokes in mind for your next party! Could you give a poor man something to eat? asks the hobo. The woman responded, Shes a dentist. GCFL.net, A woman walked up to an elderly man rocking in a chair on his porch. Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel. I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue? I said No, just a watch. Its better to be late than to arrive ugly. Marilyn Monroe, 24. Submitted by Robert Gallagher, I was at a Canadian Tire, chatting with the young woman at the till. When he answers the door shes standing there in a slinky black dress. Today isnt your day. The doctor says, Larry, everything looks great. Snake 2: I dont know. After they were caught, they finished each others sentences. 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister.". The businessman asks for a Coke. What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Well, said her husband to the shaken pastor when all the commotion ending, shes there.Submitted by Norm Schmitz, One friend complains to another, All my husband and I do any more is fight. You cant make somebody love you. Submitted by Faith Lackey, A: Breathe! You wont believe these crazy (but true) drive thru worker stories. short for? As they are walking out of the restaurant, Jenna starts to rifle through her purse to find her keys. But the right leg is way too short, argued the customer. She made a mistake, however, when she accused her neighbour George of being an alcoholic after spotting his pickup parked in front of a bar one afternoon. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. ", "What do you call someone who graduates last in their class from Med school? More jokes: 31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding 28 Star Wars jokes that will make you laugh . Will I die? she asks. Reproduction without explicit permission is prohibited. My life is a mess, he says. I have a new TV series airing next week, and everyone says its going to be a hit. After working late one evening, I stopped at the drive-through on my way home. What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way? she demands. ", "Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Check out more funny examples of irony in real life. Without hesitation, the man replies, "Cool, which drugs are we testing?". Tomac. What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?. I was browsing in the mens department at Neiman Marcus when a knitted black designer blazer caught my eye. Reddit.com, If I worked in a used record store, I would tell every customer that all sales are vinyl. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. But when it gets bad, I take something for it. Ken Dodd. Do you want to get a drink? I heard you the first time! says a small, irritated voice. But that would ruin his credit. Jeannie Gibbs, The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I liked a show just because I watched 13 hours of it. Why are you doing that? asked the keeper. Love is grand, until it isnt. What are you drinking? he asks the guy. ': Messages reveal frantic hours after Hancock affair story breaks, When the cost of living payments could be paid in 2023, and how much people will get, The golden health rules GPs live by, including why you should ditch your weekend lie-ins, Liverpool plan to be ruthless in 'biggest rebuild for a generation', How many episodes of The Last of Us there are and when the series ends, Instagram midwife faces misconduct hearing over racially offensive posts, 'The man is a narcissist': Tories despair as 'bully' Boris Johnson threatens Sunak's new start, Rafael Violy: Architect behind London's infamous Walkie Talkie building dies aged 78, Do not sell or share my personal information. 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling You dont want to be that person who could literally write a book about what you wish you would have said. Does that mean I get to keep the money?Submitted by Lawrence Adelson, Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls off his bar stool and lies motionless on the floor. A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. What did you write in the ad? his wife asks. Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast. Thats him, comes the reply. Thanks for pretending not to see me when I was pretending not to see you in order to avoid a miserably awkward conversation that neither of us wanted to have., 25. When the waiter brings him the meal, he asks if they are genuine. At your age, I wouldnt touch alcohol! Detector: Beep. Mother laughs: Ha! What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? Now were going to have to pee in the boat.. Second door to the right, says the bartender. Submitted by Hoss Alfred. I dont know what he laced them with, but Ive been tripping all day. 50 of the funniest (and most puerile) quotes from The Inbetweeners Not yet.. Hope that helped raise your smartass quota for the week. Get Your Laugh on with these funny redneck sayings: He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. It never really took off. Milton Jones, Recently I went on a ballooning holiday I put on four stone! Milton Jones. The best way to make a serious impact with a smartass quote is to deliver it, turn on your heel, and walk away. The little boy replied, With all this manure, there must be a pony in here somewhere!. Thesehilarious school storiesare guaranteed to give you a laugh. /*# sourceMappingURL=https://www.redditstatic.com/desktop2x/chunkCSS/IdCard.ea0ac1df4e6491a16d39_.css.map*/._2JU2WQDzn5pAlpxqChbxr7{height:16px;margin-right:8px;width:16px}._3E45je-29yDjfFqFcLCXyH{margin-top:16px}._13YtS_rCnVZG1ns2xaCalg{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:18px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._1m5fPZN4q3vKVg9SgU43u2{margin-top:12px}._17A-IdW3j1_fI_pN-8tMV-{display:inline-block;margin-bottom:8px;margin-right:5px}._5MIPBF8A9vXwwXFumpGqY{border-radius:20px;font-size:12px;font-weight:500;letter-spacing:0;line-height:16px;padding:3px 10px;text-transform:none}._5MIPBF8A9vXwwXFumpGqY:focus{outline:unset} Dont miss these physics jokes that every science nerd will love. is saying I should be on Jeopardy! every time I answer a $200 clue that happens to be about one of my three interests. Laura Peek, comedian. Sad after the funeral of a friend, my wife and I ducked into a Chinese restaurant for a pick-me-up. Exit signs? How do you think I feel? asks his companion. What are you? asks the cat. Why couldn't the defensive football player pass his test in school? A cloud of tension hangs over them, and one thing is clear: these two are not going to end the night in each others arms! Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. What other woman? Adam shot back. Whats the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? In reference to someone's accuracy with a gun. I couldn't put it down. Although the tag said it was on sale, it still cost more than I cared to spend. Ill call you back when youre alone. Jim Pietsch in The New York City Cab Drivers Joke Book, If I pay $40 for a haunted house I better die. @hodgesboi15, Have children while your parents are young enough to take care of them. Rita Rudner, A mom texts, Hi! Bark is on tree, trees are in nature. How old are you? Thirty-six.Submitted by Melissa Steginus, The other day I was thinking, I must be the most unobservant person in the world. Then I thought, Well, maybe other people are equally unobservant and I just havent noticed before.Submitted by D. Norris, I love that TV show with all the different video clips of things going disastrously wrong. Was anything wrong with them? the clerk asked. A vegan said to me, People who sell meat are gross!, I said, People who sell veggies are grocer. Adele Cliff, comedian. But two weeks later, theres still no sign of the mutt. Without hesitation, the man says: Never mind, I found one!, I dont want to achieve immortality through my work. Ten what? How far do you think I can kick this bucket. Want more of the best Readers Digest jokes of all time? He said, I want you to trace someone for me. Tomorrow doesnt look good either., 37. How will you escape this highly dangerous situation? One day, I was brushing my teeth in the restroom before a flight when a woman walked in. Alyshah Mehdi, a 19-year-old from Karachi, Pakistan, has been friends with a guy named Shayyan for a while, but lately, they've had "beef going on" between them, she told BuzzFeed News. A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the highway. ", "Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat. ._38lwnrIpIyqxDfAF1iwhcV{background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-lineColor);border:none;height:1px;margin:16px 0}._37coyt0h8ryIQubA7RHmUc{margin-top:12px;padding-top:12px}._2XJvPvYIEYtcS4ORsDXwa3,._2Vkdik1Q8k0lBEhhA_lRKE,.icon._2Vkdik1Q8k0lBEhhA_lRKE{border-radius:100%;box-sizing:border-box;-ms-flex:none;flex:none;margin-right:8px}._2Vkdik1Q8k0lBEhhA_lRKE,.icon._2Vkdik1Q8k0lBEhhA_lRKE{background-position:50%;background-repeat:no-repeat;background-size:100%;height:54px;width:54px;font-size:54px;line-height:54px}._2Vkdik1Q8k0lBEhhA_lRKE._1uo2TG25LvAJS3bl-u72J4,.icon._2Vkdik1Q8k0lBEhhA_lRKE._1uo2TG25LvAJS3bl-u72J4{filter:blur()}.eGjjbHtkgFc-SYka3LM3M,.icon.eGjjbHtkgFc-SYka3LM3M{border-radius:100%;box-sizing:border-box;-ms-flex:none;flex:none;margin-right:8px;background-position:50%;background-repeat:no-repeat;background-size:100%;height:36px;width:36px}.eGjjbHtkgFc-SYka3LM3M._1uo2TG25LvAJS3bl-u72J4,.icon.eGjjbHtkgFc-SYka3LM3M._1uo2TG25LvAJS3bl-u72J4{filter:blur()}._3nzVPnRRnrls4DOXO_I0fn{margin:auto 0 auto auto;padding-top:10px;vertical-align:middle}._3nzVPnRRnrls4DOXO_I0fn ._1LAmcxBaaqShJsi8RNT-Vp i{color:unset}._2bWoGvMqVhMWwhp4Pgt4LP{margin:16px 0;font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px}.icon.tWeTbHFf02PguTEonwJD0{margin-right:4px;vertical-align:top}._2AbGMsrZJPHrLm9e-oyW1E{width:180px;text-align:center}.icon._1cB7-TWJtfCxXAqqeyVb2q{cursor:pointer;margin-left:6px;height:14px;fill:#dadada;font-size:12px;vertical-align:middle}.hpxKmfWP2ZiwdKaWpefMn{background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-active);background-size:cover;background-image:var(--newCommunityTheme-banner-backgroundImage);background-position-y:center;background-position-x:center;background-repeat:no-repeat;border-radius:3px 3px 0 0;height:34px;margin:-12px -12px 10px}._20Kb6TX_CdnePoT8iEsls6{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;margin-bottom:8px}._20Kb6TX_CdnePoT8iEsls6>*{display:inline-block;vertical-align:middle}.t9oUK2WY0d28lhLAh3N5q{margin-top:-23px}._2KqgQ5WzoQRJqjjoznu22o{display:inline-block;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0;position:relative}._2D7eYuDY6cYGtybECmsxvE{-ms-flex:1 1 auto;flex:1 1 auto;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis}._2D7eYuDY6cYGtybECmsxvE:hover{text-decoration:underline}._19bCWnxeTjqzBElWZfIlJb{font-size:16px;font-weight:500;line-height:20px;display:inline-block}._2TC7AdkcuxFIFKRO_VWis8{margin-left:10px;margin-top:30px}._2TC7AdkcuxFIFKRO_VWis8._35WVFxUni5zeFkPk7O4iiB{margin-top:35px}._1LAmcxBaaqShJsi8RNT-Vp{padding:0 2px 0 4px;vertical-align:middle}._2BY2-wxSbNFYqAy98jWyTC{margin-top:10px}._3sGbDVmLJd_8OV8Kfl7dVv{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:21px;margin-top:8px;word-wrap:break-word}._1qiHDKK74j6hUNxM0p9ZIp{margin-top:12px}.Jy6FIGP1NvWbVjQZN7FHA,._326PJFFRv8chYfOlaEYmGt,._1eMniuqQCoYf3kOpyx83Jj,._1cDoUuVvel5B1n5wa3K507{-ms-flex-pack:center;justify-content:center;margin-top:12px;width:100%}._1eMniuqQCoYf3kOpyx83Jj{margin-bottom:8px}._2_w8DCFR-DCxgxlP1SGNq5{margin-right:4px;vertical-align:middle}._1aS-wQ7rpbcxKT0d5kjrbh{border-radius:4px;display:inline-block;padding:4px}._2cn386lOe1A_DTmBUA-qSM{border-top:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-lineColor);margin-top:10px}._2Zdkj7cQEO3zSGHGK2XnZv{display:inline-block}.wzFxUZxKK8HkWiEhs0tyE{font-size:12px;font-weight:700;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);cursor:pointer;text-align:left;margin-top:2px}._3R24jLERJTaoRbM_vYd9v0._3R24jLERJTaoRbM_vYd9v0._3R24jLERJTaoRbM_vYd9v0{display:none}.yobE-ux_T1smVDcFMMKFv{font-size:16px;font-weight:500;line-height:20px}._1vPW2g721nsu89X6ojahiX{margin-top:12px}._pTJqhLm_UAXS5SZtLPKd{text-transform:none} Check out these up-and-coming Canadian comediansand their best jokes! 4 / 20. My granddad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from London Zoo. If Im a sarcastic asshole when I talk to you, its either because I really like you and feel comfortable teasing you, or I really hate you and dont care if you know it. Professor of Logic Merch: https://www.redbubble.com/people/robtzn/shop?asc=uFollow on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sparkleforesst ", "I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there. I started lusting, Father., Yes, says the priest, Lust is a dangerous sin., Theres more, says the man. 40 of the funniest jokes about Brexit Theyll be ready next Friday.Submitted by Ronald Moore, A: Cookie sheets. Me: Do you think this is the right career for you? The son comes home in the afternoon. What are you doing? Counting your ribs.Submitted by William Halliday. The man stands up, clears his throat, and says 'Plethora. A husband texts his wife on a frosty winter morning: Windows frozen! His wife texts back, Pour lukewarm water over it. Five minutes later he replies: Computer completely messed up now.Submitted by Catherine Hiscox. The cop replies: Then why do I smell wine?, The priest looks at the bottle and says: Good Lord! ._1sDtEhccxFpHDn2RUhxmSq{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:18px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-flow:row nowrap;flex-flow:row nowrap}._1d4NeAxWOiy0JPz7aXRI64{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText)}.icon._3tMM22A0evCEmrIk-8z4zO{margin:-2px 8px 0 0} Let her spell small animals, not big ones, said her mom. Can Humans Detect Text by AI Chatbot GPT? Honey, whats for supper? No response, so he walks up to the kitchen door. We can hold ourselves accountable with self-compassion, and our partners can let us know about their hurt while remembering that we are imperfect and lovable. 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes He doesnt look at all dangerous to me. I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. In his late 80s, my father-in-law went to renew his drivers license. The Hepatitis Bee. Milton Jones, Hedgehogs why cant they just share the hedge? Dan Antolpolski, The pollen count, now thats a difficult job. ' @brotigupta, Under quarantine, marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law. ' Tim Vine. Why dont you go see a psychiatrist? suggests the collie. Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside. Its these harrowing situations that wake you out of a sound sleep suddenly fresh with dozens of snappy one-liners you wish you would have said. You can only stalk them and hope for the best." [Read: 55 funny quotes about love and all its complications] 6. My Grandmother's favorite saying was actually a song. Jenna and Bill are finishing up a dinner date. ', The wife smiles, and says 'Thank you, that means a lot.'". Mr. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. lifeguard air ambulance new mexico hassan has plastic surgery hassan has plastic surgery Its a talking clock, the drunk replied. When he answered the door, he found a six-foot-tall cockroach standing in front of him. Theyre so noisy, he complained. "Dad comes to his son and tells him he's adopted. The wife says that yes, he could. Never again. It can reflect how well you know your partner. Mr. Now hes the village blacksmith. ", "Studies show that women who carry extra weight live longer than men who bring it up.". When I was five years old, I looked down at the crayons I was colouring with and sighed: When I was two, this was not what I saw myself doing at five. An impasta. Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? Try giving them one of these funny compliments! And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home., The guy is flabbergasted. I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Diddly-squats. There, the nurse dressed his wound and gave him instructions on how to care for it. Give me my scotch! The flight attendant rushes over with their drinks. 71. Ugh! the student groaned. That didnt suit my husband. ._12xlue8dQ1odPw1J81FIGQ{display:inline-block;vertical-align:middle} You know, this is my first operation. There are no fish under the ice! He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. Thats the day when I take out the garbage., 16. Ive used too much! Submitted by Andrew Bird, I was mugged twice last year. Impress a history buff with these hilarious history jokes. [Read: Funny conversation starters and 40 lines to instantly fit right in]. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? I dont wish the best for you, nor do I want to find someone like you. The odds that I got mugged twice last year because I look like the kind of guy that would calculate those odds? You havent been here a while, havent you? I asked. New Flat-Panel Television Pitch Turn-Signal Vermilion Credit-Card Magnetic-Strip Coal Netflix-Envelope Scarlet Cubicle Ecru Unraked-Leaves Sienna Energy-Efficient Fluorescent-Bulb Quartz Blue-Screen-of-Death CobaltSubmitted by Casey Johnston, One day, when it was raining heavily, my boss asked me to water the plants outside the office. Look officer, Im not being a smartass. Im putting on my shoes!Anonymous. The photographer started describing the merits of each photo, but as he went through the set, he rattled off his sales pitch so quickly that I couldnt get a word in. Im not insulting you, Im describing you., 39. These wiseand often hilariousquotes from The Good Place can be applied to everyday life! Not only is it terrible, its terrible. The odds of getting mugged twice are 1 in 2,500. No! yells the woman, slamming the door in his face. Where did the music teacher leave her keys? After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes During their visit, they noticed a flatbed of manure nearby. Check out 30 New Years jokes that will have you laughing out loud. One was a pessimist and the other a total optimist. Me: Yes. I had only that single dollar, and I had to make a decision: Give it to his worthy cause or keep it. Well get ready, because Im about to be gorgeous., 27. I have to walk back alone.Submitted by Harry Klein, A distraught senior citizen dialed her doctors office. This isnt my child. GCFL.net, A skeleton walks into a bar. Submitted by Janet Winkler, A businessman flying first class is sitting next to a parrot. Men are like Blackberries. He approaches the dead man's wife, and asks if he could say a word. But in honour of Saint Patrick, I thought Id buy you a sham-rock.Anonymous, My wifes clinic called my home number to tell me that they couldnt accept 911 as her emergency contact. A priest is driving along a country road when a trooper pulls him over. After a few moments, Bill says, "Hurry up . He knows when to stop.Submitted by Ken Zavislik, The manager of a jewellery store nabs a shoplifter trying to steal a necklace. Want to turn someones frown upside down? I was looking for $150.Anonymous, A gnome is in the garden busily destroying some bushes when a house cat appears. What can I do?, The operator says, Calm down. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand. While shopping for a bathroom scale, I found one that tracks not only weight but also body fat, bone mass, and water percentage. One day, the eight-year-old had a spelling bee with her sister. I dont know, but the flag is a big plus. I couldnt help noticing how happy you look, she said. The landlady answers. Looking at my face is like reading in the car. This is why some people appear bright until they speak. Steven Wright, 33. When I told him, he pointed out that I really had failed to organise a piss-up in a brewery. 50 of Terry Wogan and Graham Nortons most scathing Eurovision quotes This is one of the times in life when you should keep a straight face. Good luck figuring out which one., 28. Some days you eat salads and go to the gym. Hes in the village over the other direction.. ", "I was wondering, why does a Frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? One afternoon, I decided to clean a purse of mine by throwing it into the washing machinespring cleaning and all that. 5. The bug grabbed Norm by the collar, punched him in the eye, threw him across the living room and then ran off. Sometimes, people just need to be told. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. Im sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. That water is yucky!, He replied, Well, it tasted good yesterday. Tammy McKenzie, High River, Alberta, While cleaning out the garage, I found an old protest sign that read, DISARM TODAY! On the other side, it said, DAT ARM TOMORROW.Submitted by Jim Vandermaas, You know, people dont usually compliment me on my driving, so I was very pleased this morning when I saw a note on my car that said, Parking fine. That was very nice of them!
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